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1. |
How did you find out about your deity? |
| ____ | newspaper |
| ____ | Bible |
| ____ | Torah |
| ____ | Koran |
| ____ | television |
| ____ | Book of Mormon |
| ____ | divine inspiration |
| ____ | Dead Sea Scrolls |
| ____ | My Momma Done 'Tol Me |
| ____ | near death experience |
| ____ | near life experience |
| ____ | National Public Radio |
| ____ | tabloid at the supermarket |
| ____ | burning shrubbery |
| Other (specify) : ________________________ |
2. |
Which deity did you acquire? |
| ____ | Jehovah |
| ____ | Jesus |
| ____ | Krishna |
| ____ | Buddha |
| ____ | Trinity Pak (Father, Son & Holy Ghost) |
| ____ | Olympus Pak (Zeus & entourage) |
| ____ | Valhalla Pak (Odin et al.) |
| ____ | Allah |
| ____ | Satan |
| ____ | Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature |
| ____ | God v.2.0 |
| ____ | God v. 4.6 |
| ____ | None of the above, I was taken in by |
| a false god | |
| Other (specify) : __________________ |
3. |
Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? |
____ Yes ____ No |
|
| If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please check all that apply. |
|
| ____ | Not eternal |
| ____ | Finite in space/does not occupy or inhabit |
| entire cosmos | |
| ____ | Not omniscient |
| ____ | Not omnipotent |
| ____ | Not infinitely plastic (capable of being all things |
| to all creations) | |
| ____ | Permits sex outside of marriage |
| ____ | Prohibits sex outside of marriage |
| ____ | Makes mistakes |
____ |
Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people |
| ____ | Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people |
| ____ | When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched |
| ____ | Requires burnt offerings |
| ____ | Requires virgin sacrifices |
| 4. |
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Check all that apply. |
| ____ | Indoctrinated by parents |
| ____ | Indoctrinated by society |
| ____ | Needed a reason to live |
| ____ | Needed focus in who to love |
| ____ | Needed focus in who to despise |
| ____ | My imaginary friend grew up |
| ____ | Hate to think for myself |
____ |
Wanted to meet boys/girls in church |
| ____ | Fear of death |
| ____ | Wanted to please my parents |
| ____ | Wanted to piss off my parents |
| ____ | Needed a day away from school or work |
| ____ | Desperate need for certainty |
| ____ | Like organ music |
| ____ | Need to feel morally superior |
| ____ | Thought Jerry Falwell was cool |
| ____ | Thought there might be something |
| ____ | other than Jerry Falwell |
| ____ | @#%$* was falling out of the sky |
| ____ | My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it |
5. |
Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god(s) were you fooled by? |
____ |
Baal |
| ____ | Amon Ra |
| ____ | Beelzebub |
| ____ | Bill Gates |
| ____ | The Almighty Dollar |
| ____ | Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur |
| ____ | The Great Spirit |
| ____ | The Great Pumpkin |
| ____ | The Radical Right |
| ____ | The Sun |
| ____ | The Moon |
| ____ | The Force |
| ____ | Cindy Crawford |
| ____ | Elvis |
| ____ | A burning shrub |
| ____ | Psychotherapy |
| Other (specify): _______________________ | |
6. |
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to your deity? Please check all that apply. |
| ____ | Tarot |
| ____ | Astrology |
| ____ | Television |
| ____ | Fortune cookies |
| ____ | Ann Landers |
| ____ | Psychic Friends Network |
| ____ | Oprah Winfrey |
| ____ | Dianetics |
| ____ | Self-help books |
| ____ | Sex, drugs, rock & roll |
| ____ | Biorhythms |
| ____ | Alcohol |
| ____ | Marijuana |
| ____ | Kava Kava |
| ____ | George Bush, Jr. |
| ____ | Tea Leaves |
| ____ | EST |
| ____ | Amway |
| ____ | Chat rooms |
| ____ | Mantras |
| ____ | Jimmy Swaggert |
| ____ | Crystals |
| ____ | Human sacrifice |
| ____ | Pyramids |
| ____ | Wandering around a desert |
| ____ | Reality TV |
| ____ | Insurance policies |
| ____ | Burning shrubbery |
| ____ | Barney Fife |
| ____ | None of the above |
| Other (specify): _______________________ | |
7. |
God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer. Circle one below. |
| a. | More Divine Intervention |
| b. | Less Divine Intervention |
| c. | Current Level of Divine Intervention |
| d. | Don't know |
| e. | What's Divine Intervention |
| 8. |
God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate your opinion of the handling of the following: |
(1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent) |
Disasters: |
|||||
| Floods | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Famine | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Earthquakes | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| War and Holocausts | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Pestilence | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Plague | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Spam | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| AOL | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
Miracles: |
|||||
| Rescues | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Spontaneous remissions | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Stars hovering over tiny towns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Images of virgins appearing | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| on garage doors | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Water changing to wine | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Walking on water | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Coincidence of any sort | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Getting any sex whatsoever | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
9. |
From time to time God makes available the names and email addresses of Her/His devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions on His behalf. Are you interested in receiving a compilation of listed offerings? |
| ____ ____ |
Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my mortal soul. No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money. |
| 10. |
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of our services? |
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) |
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