DEITY PURCHASE QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs,  (S)He asks 
that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:

1.

How did you find out about your deity?
____ newspaper
____ Bible
____ Torah
____ Koran
____ television
____ Book of Mormon
____ divine inspiration
____ Dead Sea Scrolls
____ My Momma Done 'Tol Me
____ near death experience
____ near life experience
____ National Public Radio
____ tabloid at the supermarket
____ burning shrubbery
Other (specify) : ________________________

2.

Which deity did you acquire?
____ Jehovah
____ Jesus
____ Krishna
____ Buddha
____ Trinity Pak (Father, Son & Holy Ghost)
____ Olympus Pak (Zeus & entourage)
____ Valhalla Pak (Odin et al.)
____ Allah
____ Satan
____ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
____ God v.2.0
____ God v. 4.6
____ None of the above, I was taken in by
         a false god
Other (specify) : __________________

3.


Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

         ____  Yes           ____  No

If no, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here. Please check all that apply.
____ Not eternal
____ Finite in space/does not occupy or inhabit  
      entire cosmos
____ Not omniscient
____ Not omnipotent
____ Not infinitely plastic (capable of being all things
     to all creations)
____ Permits sex outside of marriage
____ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
____ Makes mistakes

____   

Makes or permits bad things to happen  to good people
____ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
____ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
____ Requires burnt offerings
____ Requires virgin sacrifices
4.

What factors were relevant in your decision to
acquire a deity?  Check all that apply.
____ Indoctrinated by parents
____ Indoctrinated by society
____ Needed a reason to live
____ Needed focus in who to love
____ Needed focus in who to despise
____ My imaginary friend grew up
____ Hate to think for myself

____   

Wanted to meet boys/girls in church
____ Fear of death
____ Wanted to please my parents
____ Wanted to piss off my parents
____ Needed a day away from school or work
____ Desperate need for certainty
____ Like organ music
____ Need to feel morally superior
____ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
____ Thought there might be something
____        other than Jerry Falwell
____ @#%$* was falling out of the sky
____ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5.

Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If    so, which false god(s) were you fooled by?

____ 

Baal
____ Amon Ra
____ Beelzebub
____ Bill Gates
____ The Almighty Dollar
____ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
____ The Great Spirit
____ The Great Pumpkin
____ The Radical Right
____ The Sun
____ The Moon
____ The Force
____ Cindy Crawford
____ Elvis
____ A burning shrub
____ Psychotherapy
Other (specify):  _______________________

6.


Are you currently using any other source of   inspiration  in addition to your deity?   Please check all that apply.
____ Tarot
____ Astrology
____ Television
____ Fortune cookies
____ Ann Landers
____ Psychic Friends Network
____ Oprah Winfrey
____ Dianetics
____ Self-help books
____ Sex, drugs, rock & roll
____ Biorhythms
____ Alcohol
____ Marijuana
____ Kava Kava
____ George Bush, Jr.
____ Tea Leaves
____ EST
____ Amway
____ Chat rooms
____ Mantras
____ Jimmy Swaggert
____ Crystals
____ Human sacrifice
____ Pyramids
____ Wandering around a desert
____ Reality TV
____ Insurance policies
____ Burning shrubbery
____ Barney Fife
____ None of the above
Other (specify):  _______________________

7.



God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer. Circle one below.
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current Level of Divine Intervention
d. Don't know
e. What's Divine Intervention
8.



God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate your opinion of the handling of the following:

(1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent)

Disasters:

Floods 1 2 3 4 5
Famine 1 2 3 4 5
Earthquakes 1 2 3 4 5
War and Holocausts 1 2 3 4 5
Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
Plague 1 2 3 4 5
Spam 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5

Miracles:

Rescues 1 2 3 4 5
Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
Stars hovering over tiny towns 1 2 3 4 5
Images of virgins appearing 1 2 3 4 5
    on garage doors 1 2 3 4 5
Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
Walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
Coincidence of any sort 1 2 3 4 5
Getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

9.






From time to time God makes available the names and email addresses of Her/His devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions on His behalf.  Are you interested in receiving a compilation of listed offerings?
____

____
Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for
the benefit of my mortal soul.

No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious
fanatics clamoring for my money.
10.


Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of our services?

(Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

 

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