Woman : A Prayer For You
I'm happy to announce that this is a
perfect moment. It's a perfect moment for many reasons, but especially because I have been
inspired to say a gigantic prayer for all of you. I've been roused to unleash a divinely
greedy, apocalyptically healing prayer for each and every one of you -- even those of you
who don't believe in the power of prayer.
And so I am starting to pray right now to the God of Gods ... the God beyond all Gods
... the Girlfriend of God ... the Teacher of God ... the Goddess who invented God.
Dear Goddess, You who never kill but only change:
I pray that my exuberant, suave and accidental words will move you to shower ferocious
blessings down on everyone who reads this benediction.
I pray that you will give them what they don't even know they want -- not just the
boons they think they need but everything they've always been afraid to even imagine or
Dear Goddess, You wealthy anarchist burning heaven to the ground:
Many of the divine chameleons out there don't even know that their souls will live
forever. So please use your blinding magic to help them see that they are all wildly
creative geniuses too big for their own personalities.
Guide them to realize that they are all completely different from what they think they
are and more exciting than they can possibly imagine.
Make it illegal, immoral, irrelevant, unpatriotic and totally tasteless for them to be
in love with anyone or anything that's no good for them.
O Goddess, You who give us so much love and pain mixed together that our morality is
always on the verge of collapsing:
I beg you to cast a boisterous love spell that will nullify all the dumb ideas, bad
decisions and nasty conditioning that have ever cursed the wise and sexy virtuosos out
Remove, banish, annihilate and laugh into oblivion any jinx that has clung to them, no
matter how long they've suffered from it, and even if they've become accustomed or
addicted to its ugly companionship.
And please conjure an aura of protection around them so that they will receive an early
warning if they are ever about to act in such a way as to bring another hex or plague or
voodoo into their lives in the future.
Dear Goddess, sweet Goddess, You sly universal virus with no fucking opinion:
I pray that you will help all the personal growth addicts out there become disciplined
enough to go crazy in the name of creation, not destruction.
I pray that you will teach them the difference between oppressive self-control and
liberating self-control, awaken in them the power to do the half-right thing when it is
impossible to do the totally right thing.
Arouse the Wild Woman within them -- even if they're men.
And please give them bigger, better, more original sins and wilder, wetter, more
Dear Goddess, You pregnant slut who scorns all mediocre longing:
I pray that you will inspire all the compassionate rascals communing with this prayer
to love their enemies just in case their friends turn out to be jerks.
Provoke them to throw away or give away all the things they own that encourage them to
believe that they are better than anyone else.
Show them how much fun it is to brag about what they cannot do and do not have.
Most of all, Goddess, brainwash them with your freedom so that they never love their
own pain more than anyone else's pain.
Dear Goddess, You psychedelic mushroom cloud at the center of all our brains:
The curiously divine human beings reading this prayer deserve everything they are
yearning for and much, much more.
So please bless them with lucid dreams while they are wide awake and
solar-energy-operated sex toys that work even in the dark and vacuum cleaners for their
magic carpets and a knack for avoiding other people's hells and their very own 900 number
so that everyone has to pay to talk to them and a secret admirer who is not a psychotic
Dear Goddess, You fiercely tender, hauntingly reassuring, orgiastically sacred feeling
that is even now running through all of our soft, warm animal bodies:
I pray that you provide everyone out there with a license to bend and even break all
rules, laws and traditions that keep them apart from the things they love.
Show them how to purge the wishy-washy wishes that distract them from their daring,
dramatic, divine desires.
And teach them that they can have anything they want if they'll only ask for it in an
And now dear God of Gods, God beyond all Gods, Girlfriend of God, Teacher of God,
Goddess who invented God, I bring this prayer to a close, trusting that in these
mysterious moments you have begun to change everyone out there in the exact way they've
needed to change in order to express their soul's code.
Amen. Awomen. And glory halle-fucking-lujah.